Let's set the stage, so to speak. I'm sitting in my kitchen, at my little, round, tile-topped table. The laundry closet it to my left and laundry is tumbling in the dryer (for some reason, I really love all the little clicks and swishes the clothes make when they tumble dry). I have Dunkin Doughnuts vanilla bean coffee in my favorite pink cup, close to my right hand. My kitchen is clean, except the floor, also on the to-do list. I'm wearing flannel lounge pants, a fleece jacket, and Uggs - I haven't gotten dressed yet but I've been outside to smoke and felt the need to blog without taking off my Uggs and jacket.
Ahead and to the left, my bedroom door is open. The light's on in there. I can see the dresser that holds the beer making stuff, the bottom left corner of my bed (neatly made up, thank-you-very-much), and the jeans I'll be wearing once I decide to get showered and dressed. Directly in front of me is the opening into the living room. The lights aren't on in there, but the digital frame Mom and Dad gave me for Christmas a few years ago is straight in front of me and I keep glancing up and catching bits of our past - the boy at three, my niece's graduation, the kids on the front porch at the Seaford house.
I am here, alone in the quiet of my little space that feels like my home, and I am happy.
Mr. Man and I often talk about these weekends, when he has his girls and we can't stay together. I've been fighting them. I am so used to being with him that I feel sort of adrift when he's not with me. I more than like being able to hear his voice or tuck myself into him for a hug or just see his cute, crooked grin. I have to admit, I also like that he gets out of bed first to start the coffee and make breakfast. I suspect he's spoiling me, and I'm certainly not complaining about that! But it's another layer of difficulty on what we call "kid weekend" (fortunately I do remember how to work a stove and a coffee maker, so I'm not hungry or thirsty, but still!).
He tells me that he's jealous of the time I get. Time to clear my head, organize my lists, do the little things that might not get done otherwise. Until this weekend, I've listened and argued in my head or right out loud - but I don't want to be alone. It's the alone that's a problem for me. I'm so used to being with you that I don't feel right when you're there and I'm here. And not feeling right quickly turns to hurt. Et cetera, et cetera. I made a choice this weekend, though. I chose to allow myself to experience it the way he said he would if he had the chance.
So far, so good.
I slept like a rock Friday night and last night, well if you ignore the fact that I was up a couple hours later than I normally would be and woke up around 3 AM both nights. No nightmares, up and feeling refreshed around 5 (normal wake up time for me), and I was able to go back to sleep pretty easily after the early morning wake-ups. I got a little time in with the girl, who is down here visiting her guy (fingers crossed on this one - I like this kid and I work with his dad, two very good reasons I hope it works). I spent time with my sweetie and his girls yesterday. I don't know yet what's happening today, but I intend to blog and shower and start chipping away at my to-do list until someone wants or needs me for something else.
Maybe I'll bake something today. Or maybe I'll break out Bessie the sewing machine and work on altering some jeans for my two guys (they've both lost weight and altering is MUCH more affordable than buying new). Maybe I'll get the boy outside with me and work on the leaves that are still piled up around the back porch. Maybe I'll hook up the hose and wash my car, if the temperature gets above freezing. Maybe I'll lace up my sneakers and walk down to the college. Maybe I'll catch up on some TV or go see Mom and Dad. Maybe I'll sit in front of the Chromebook and play games and goof around on Facebook.
Maybe I'll just be super happy that for now, and for a few more months to come, I have the luxury of time where I can be my own person and do my own thing without having to dovetail my stuff into someone else's plans. That's what my sweetie's been missing and I figure at least one of us can have it.
This is not what I'm going to do today:
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